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He was wheeled in gasping, restless asking his younger son to press his chest shouting loud ” I am going to die”. He must have repeated that every minute. While the Dr.on duty and the emergency medical nurse struggled to secure an IV line on the man’s fighting hands which were trying to get some control over his body,he was trying to grasp the railing of the bed, his son’s collar something. I was watching. He was screaming for help.
I just happened to be there last night at 1’O clock while getting my young cook treated from a suspected poisonous giant lizard bite, after her tribe had taken her to a local woo doo man and I escorted her from there to the nearest hospital facility to make sure that her vitals were preserved and she was not in shock.I was hoping she would be okay.
There was still an eerie feeling of some sort while I was watching both of them on adjacent hospital beds along with my Dr.husband.We were both witnessing a scene of a regular emergency which isn’t new to us.While medical intervention started and call was placed to ICU to inform them about getting prepared to receive a “critical patient” within a matter of minutes.The life giving oxygen mixed with bronchodilators was held close to the man’s nostrils and I could see the nebulizer vapour was just in the air. Clearly the man couldn’t inhale . He had no strength left despite the struggle.Before he could be even laid on a strecher to be shifted within a matter of minute he collapsed and became unresponsive.
I knew he was gone by my medical instinct.My husband knew.
The medical staff knew.
There was a moment of informed silence as we all exchanged glances while his sons screamed and insisted that he be shifted to ICU. The protocols were followed and CPR initiated knowing we were fighting the odds.His medical records spelt doom. There was nothing that one could do by the list of ailments he had in his body. He was to be declared after routine protocols were followed.
In that moment I again had an inkling how tiny a difference exists between living and dying.
Just a matter of breath.
And we could be ” critical ” even when we are screaming and loud fighting the “odds” for a long time.
And then “breath” the ” prana” leaves.
I understood why the old man kept on saying ” मेरे प्राण निकल रहें हैं”
translated to” My breath is leaving me now, Help !”
Death has a way of taking people that I know but one of the most difficult truths to accept.
I have seen death lurking around countless times in the eyes of those that are on the verge of leaving by virtue of my profession , yet everytime it happens it leaves me with an eerie feeling and I knew the moment it arose last night and kept rising while I witnessed the last moments of a totally unrelated person.The end was near and that is a moment of great discomfort to watch, witness and experience.
I watched everybody’s reactions the lost, helpless sad look in the eyes of sons, the nurse who was disappointed and expressed that he had done the CPR for the gentleman once before and today seemed futile. My husband who had a similar experience and had passed many such moments of dying who said ” I don’t like being here”, Let’s go! The girl too had quietened as she bore the pain of multiple injections to treat her unlike moments before where she beat her head all around and was as restless as the man just an hour ago.
Death touched all of us last night in its own ways stirring emotions and I was paid a brief visit by my own grief while I just imagined my young 24 year old postgraduate medical Dr, being brought in a sleepy ill equipped govt hospital by police as an accidental case of head injury with poor prognosis. I have always struggled with this internally and questioned always…
Was he brought in time ?
Did he receive enough medical help ?
Did he suffer in the last moments ?
Was the police quick enough ?
Did people care ?
I will never have a way of knowing what transpired that night in the emergency of that hospital and I am quiet okay not knowing now but it hasn’t been like that always. I have been able to come to terms with the fact that for some questions ” I will never have answers”.
Death is usually a silent affair in all honesty.
She did leave a message for me last night …
She said I take you with me ” when the time comes” irrespective of who you are and how much you are loved.
I touch everyone even if you are watching me do the last dance of death. I spare none.
I differentiate none.
I judge none.
I treat all equally.
It is in the moments you will also learn no matter how much grief you feel to stay grateful that you are alive to do life .A life of your own !
