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It must have been the effect of workshop of the sacred feminine which I attended for the first time. Normally I return with a goodie bag containing certificate with CME credit hours , note pad and a pen.This was an unfamiliar space. I spent the day by the lakeside and I just didn’t call or talk to anyone especially any male acquaintance. I just didn’t want any male interaction that day for some strange reason after my return . No anger but there was a shift in the energy and it was difficult to put a finger on that . The feeling lasted for a day and as a part of the inner work I was required to create that exclusive feminine space at my altar for the womb healing rituals to begin so I started to clean up all my feminine deities to place them there side by side.
Still in awe of the Mahakali energy having delivered her powerful messages at the invocation, Magdalene ready to decode herself, the power of RED was feeling very fiery inside . I just wanted them all there in HER abode at the altar, resting and rejuvenating. For some strange intuitive reason I placed Shiva in between the feminine deities ready to receive womb blessings. I am very fond of that Tirupati idol .
It means a lot and has been with me for ages. I was just going to go for my bath when HE whispered . I had just placed the lotus in the center of my heart shaped bowl and started placing flowers there was no space left for that tiny idol to be fitted in.
Chiicchh, chiiccchh, I knew I was alone . I looked around .
I wondered who was calling ?Who?
It’s me .Charlie .
Here. You dared follow me till here . Didn’t I leave you in back there in the hotel when I said Bye. How did you find me ? Shameless !! I was clearly angry .
Simple I followed you . I wasn’t going to allow me Chikni Chameli to walk off. I know where to find you.
Get lost .I don’t need you . Just go away.
Baby listen ! Sheela ! Chameli ! Come on ,You can’t be that mad ? Still upset. Why are you so hyper ?
Listen I told you to get lost . What language do you understand ? You are such a pest . No self-respect or what ? I had enough of you and frankly I don’t need you . I could clearly feel my anger rising and moreover I am done with you now. I have my Shakti powers now and I will chant “Kreem” (The Mahakali Mantra) to empower me further and I am not ready to live the chambermaid’s life. You have screwed me enough already. I could feel myself fuming as I raised my voice, almost shouting.He wasn’t even taking me seriously ,the puppy look said it all. I wish he would . He always does that. Laugh at me when I am that angry. He knows how to fool me into forgiving him every time. I hate that smirk on his face.
Listen cool down .
No way. He came close wanting to touch my hand, I pushed him away.
Okay .He raised both his hands sensing my anger and stepped back .
Can I at least sit around here for a little while. You do your thing. I didn’t even bother answering .
You are looking beautiful today you know that and sweet . My eyebrows were still raised.
What’s in that red box? That’s the one you got back from the workshop, right !
Nothing of your taste or interest. As I fiddled to get the lemongrass oil to place few drops of that scented oil in the water I had freshly filled and placed flowers around the lotus in the bowl ,he was watching me very intently. I continued my work in silence disturbed by his presence ,he got up and blew the hair on my face from behind my ear. He knows me so well .He knows that’s the place I am most sensitive.
God! He is doing it to you again. Trying to cuddle and talk his way through again. Throw him out said another strong voice in my head. He is a liar, a cheat and not trustworthy. Don’t allow him.
Listen I have work to do. Enough of your nonsense. Do you mind leaving me alone? By the way how come today you remembered to come back ? Where were you when I spent those achy-breaky nights. When I needed you the most ? In all those servant maid’s life’s shitty experiences. You disappeared coolly then. Aaj aaye ho ? (You remembered to come today?)
I know . I am sorry .He was slightly serious now ,trying to hold my hand . Sweetheart but you needed those. Look at you ? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You are glowing and so vibrant and strong today ? And so beautiful. I am so sorry I hurt you. I really am .
I could feel those tears rising which arise the moment you feel understood . The vision ready to blur and eyes filling. I don’t need your sympathy. If I knew you would do this to me I would have reconsidered my choices back then. Never loved you really ? I deserve so much more better. Love . Bullshit. Ultimately if I had to rise by myself only why did you come in my life ?
What do you know about pain, emotions ,tears ? Nothing . When no one listens to you, those lonely dark moments . When the whole world seems to be mocking at you for your choices. When your innocent children look at you and needed you along with me? Where were you ? Spend time like me, feel what I have gone through, go through all that hurt , uncry those tears, unbreak my heart can you undo all that Dude? I can’t switch myself on and off when you run into me again and in the mood of reconciliation at your fancy. Go back now wherever you came from . Just go away. I turned my face , I wasn’t going to allow him to see my tears. It exposes my vulnerability in front of him each time and then he calls me cry baby. I wasn’t really in the mood to continue that conversation.
I know I am sorry I hurt you . I really am but believe me even I didn’t know I was hurting you .I was so stupid. So engrossed in my own shit in the grueling lessons life was teaching me as well but today I realize my mistakes. That’s the only way I knew. Please forgive me, trust me once , give me one more chance.
No! No! No ! The voice said in my head but my heart wanted me to grip his hand where it touched me. Once more I pushed him away.
Okay ,I get you .You are really upset. What’s in that bowl ?
That’s my womb bowl? Don’t touch it. I need to cleanse it and I need to purge what you placed in there . Shame, guilt, dependency and what not ? And I really need to learn to forgive. You see I am no Goddess yet.
Then what happens ?
It will be clear of all misplaced energies for many generations that have been placed by fathers, uncles, lovers, grandfathers, spouses, sons to prepare myself for those who are yet to come. Something new will be created.
How ? You will need someone to ultimately bless it ? Won’t you need me at some point again in your life he asked innocently? FOR THAT DIVINE FLOW TO FLOW THROUGH YOU TO ME. You will need that seed. Just like I need you to nurture me and flourish. Advice, support and flow along. What will you do worshipping only the feminine ? Ask yourself didn’t I really love you?
I was listening instantly. A wise woman is a sucker for wisdom.
Who was there when you lost your brother ? Ganesha remember You tied a Rakhi to him because Pandit said from now on he is your brother.
Who was there by your bedside in those gloomy hospital rooms when your husband was dying ? How many times you called Jesus’s name ?
When you were receiving that bone marrow whose Mantra were you playing to ask for mercy ? It was Shiva’s energy flowing in his lifeless body like a nectar.
When you were walking alone in parks like a lost Radha and you craved and yearned for whom ? Krishna
When you needed those Atlas’ shoulders after your father died to gather yourself ? Who did you worship to give you that push in your life ? Hanuman
And when you just started believing in angels ? Michael
And now when you need that help in that Operation Theatre? Raphael
Was I really not there ? Think. Feel. Ask. All those accusations are they really true?
May be not so obviously but we both needed to be separated .It was the will of God and today when your power is returning you are forgetting me so easily. Deliberately you are separating me from the Kali, Sarasvati ,Lakshmi , Mary, Radha. Can they really be separated ? Come on you are a wise woman .Think. I am happy for you because you are so radiant but you won’t be able to do it all alone. I know the places where you are delicate still. I will try my best be a better person for you . Let’s do it together.
Do one thing. You worship your feminine, Cleanse and clean your womb, do your rituals as you were taught. I heard the Skelton woman story silently behind the doors. I hid myself there behind the empty chairs. I didn’t want to disturb you . You will need my heart to sing for yourself and recreate the NEW YOU. I won’t let you lie tangled for years like in the story ,suffering and I will kill anyone who dares to throw you off the cliff even if he was your father. The very fish that attempts to gouges your eye out in the story I will serve you for dinner.I know how much you like fish. And I promise you the fur coat that you have grown fond off. When you are cold and numb I will allow you to take my clothes off and lie naked against your curvy body and offer you my body warmth. I need you as much you do. And I am admitting it to you unashamedly . The Magic has only begun. Don’t stop it now. Let it flow. When you are in flow bring this sparkle back in Ease, glory and joy. You have had enough . EASE out. You are a high priestess now. (a woman who knows her place)
GLORY to the highest for it’s the source of you and me.
And together there is nothing but JOY within us and outside us from this very moment on.
I could feel my anger subsiding and return of peace. I know he was closing the lid on our unfinished business and he felt genuine this time. The look in his eyes, that softness in his tone ,the grip of his hand against mine , the moment when there is nothing but the TRUTH revealed for it can’t hide. May be that’s why I had tolerated him for so long giving him time to come around. Even I knew I needed him as much as he did.
I wiped my tears, tried to smile back but there is no space to place you herein between all these women. They still want to be left alone so that I can pray and gather myself for some time.
That’s hardly a problem that I cannot solve for you. Let me think. He scratched his head like he always does. Do one thing bring that Jesus you just left alone in that pair you brought along with Mary .Climb up to the shelf where Archangel Michael is waiting to be taken out from August. Decide his permanent place later. And that Krishna (Bankey Bihari) you have packed in the box for Janmashtmi, which is still a year away, give his Bansuri back. Tie that Rakhi on Ganesha’s hand which you haven’t done for years now. Get that Sphinx key chain that your son gifted you . Go to Egypt when you have too. Place the crystal box back from that altar. Let’s divide it evenly .You all keep the Rose quartz rose. Mary likes it right. The blessed Kedarnath your grocer friend gifted you this Diwali ,keep it next to Shiva idol. Shiva needs to be only dusted and settle him quietly. He is intoxicated half the time anyway ,he won’t know. No Tandav business at this moment. Gone is the loss. Time for union. Trust me we are nice gentlemen. And we don’t need so much of fragrance, color and coaxing and Nakhra. Oil you all keep just light an incense stick for me. Place that peacock feather for decoration but I like flowers too, just that I never told you. Few will do though. Put the yellow ones, you have used the whites mostly.
I smiled okay as I prepared another altar for my masculine. He had not finished .
And baby I hope it is only for few days till you are ready and grounded. When you return I want to be there for you and I promise no more fights. And I want to smell you, kiss you and make love to you all night.
I WILL MAKE LOVE TO YOU THE WAY YOU WANT ME TOO…remember that was your favorite song.
Tonight the two separate altars look beautiful ,balanced and bold and with ease, joy and glory came the 4th seed to be implanted in the womb …PEACE. Some reconciliation finally.
