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She carried her medicine box everywhere, along with her glasses, phone, keys and purse. The box was her handy constant companion for years, a one stop place for her routine and emergency medicines. She was a healthy person for her age, just few troubles here and there. Amongst all her ailments,she hated her urinary urge the most. It incapacitated her suddenly becoming obvious in the discomfort on her face. Just the thought of it and she would cancel her plans even for tea with her friends in the same city.That burning sensation in her most private partscould return any time and she was scared to travel long distances. She ordered adult diapers recently and saw to it that it was delivered by the Amazon delivery guy at her official address. She did not want anyone in the house to know. The urologist said it was colonization and would get better but she had to be on some urinary prophylaxis. She was on it for more than three months.
The box contained medication for her severe headaches diagnosed as migraine, that half sided awful heaviness lasting days. No one could fathom the suffering when that throbbing demanded that she pull her hair out of her scalp. She did exactly that and waited for it to pass. Most of the medicines had failed and nothing was effective till a Doctor knocked her with sedatives. With her eldest daughter having moved overseas the episodes were less frequent and lower in intensity. She always worried about her children’s settling in their lives.
The physicians prescribed her stronger, newer agents with better efficacy and less side effects. The box also had her antacid pills,for her acidity complaints. She often took them to alleviate her symptoms that made her feel bloated and her gas trouble made her burp embarrassingly loud and uncontrollably sometimes. Not that oneminded at home, yet it annoyed her. Only if they felt like her,they would know. Her mother suffered similarly and depended on fruit salt, Pudina-Hara and Hajmala. Possibly genetic, as hersisters had similar disposition. An irritable bowelsyndrome perhaps,the gastroenterologist had diagnosed after her endoscopy was seemingly normal and prescribed her medicines for six weeks and asked her to follow a strict diet regimen and eating more regularly. Her new diet sheet required major amendments in kitchen schedule as it was impossible to eat something every two or three hourly unless she was at home and had no assignments at work.
She needed to invest in a new juicer so that she could begin to have pressed vegetable juices. She made a mental note to stock more vegetables for the same and reminded herself to have more of them especially the green ones since she had nutritional deficiencies.
She was already on the heavier side and wasn’t used to eating as frequently as the dietician recommended. She preferred dietary discipline. She would dig information about organic, vegetarian options, low oil cooking, grilled food and more healthier menus from cooking channels and books. She wanted to be healthy. Outside food did not agree with her and she avoided pizza, burgers,Chinese, bakeryitems and the ingredients like Soy sauce caused her tummy aches and diarrhea. Her fissure became troublesome those days and that was another unresolved pain in an area she was not comfortable talking about. Embarrassing to even think of scratching there in public when it was itchy and her ointment found a place in the box too. On worst days her tummy pain migrated up right behind her heart and she feared it. Her brother was already a hypertensive and had a cardiac stent placedrecently.Google had made her wiser regarding heart attack symptoms and she had made place for few sublingual tablets in the box. She never told anyone that at times her pain shot up to her left shoulder and upper arm and she wondered if it was an attack. Her dad passed away at home in a massiveone. She knew the symptoms and she did not want to die so soon. She had responsibilities and often travelled out of station away from family for work. Strange cities made her feel insecure and last thing she wanted was to hunt for a medical store. She checked if she had enough tablets for her constant back ache because of a disk problem further aggravated by bad posture which she was not even aware,till her orthopaedician told her. At the moment she did not require surgery, he said.Thank God! as she kept the tube and a massage oil in the box. They helped only if someone could put it for her considering everyone was busy, so she preferred pills for fast relief on exhausting days. The doctor advised that she needed more rest and advised for some back strengtheningexercises. She returned from his clinic confused how those with such heavy loads could regain strength? She needed a quicker but long-lasting solution. Perhaps joining a Yoga class would help if she could squeeze in some time from her over busy schedule. She wanted to look for a class near home with timings that she could manage. Only if she could sleep better thanthe backache would not hurt so much. She needed a sleeping tablet every night for years now. She would promise to give upon her addiction everyday only to fail miserably at bedtime. If not, the day she could own the night even if with pills so they too remained in the box. She wanted to enroll herself for a sleep study to get a fair diagnosis into her problem.A clinching diagnosis always helped to be treated correctly.
Most of the doctors whom she had visited did not really reach there. They ended up vague, gave her no insight into her problems as to why they arose in the first place and no surety either. They handed her a prescription for more tests as per her complaints, date for her revisit and more medicines. She was pretty irritated with herself over the money she had spent visiting physicians, surgeons, orthopeadicians, neurosurgeons and cardiologists. Even the Gynecologist who happened to be a sympathetic lady could not find the exact cause why she cramped so much and bled so heavily during her periods. Her scans were alright, her PAP smear was okay and she was near menopause anyway.One devil less in her body, she thought to herself in a few years. She had taken her younger daughter along with her for a check-up because she did not want her to suffer the same fate. Doctor only said she had more body hair perhaps an indication of early PCOS(polycystic ovarian syndrome)looking at her BMI (body mass index) but at the moment she was okay. She was relieved and thankful that her PCOSdid not land her up infertile and she bled regularly. An investment in thicker sanitary pads for heavy soakage had never mattered. She could choose and afford them. Her daughter was more careful about her body and exercised regularly, unlike her.I don’t want to end up like you mom she said as a matter of fact at dinner one day and she did not understand why she said that? She hardly asked anyone to take care of her and she bought and took her medicines regularly. She already had given up on sugar even before her diabetes knocked and ate fruits and switched to simpler eating and was so careful. Despite all, her health was a major concern for her and the only resting place was in the treasure house of medicines in that box. The box had every remedy for her ailment and she felt confident as long as that box was around. She felt lost without it.
Her body was stronger than many at her age especially after having undergone two C sections, a tubectomy, a hernia and a gall bladdersurgery. The look on the surgeon’s face was not very pleasing as he pressed to look for pain in the area she complained. He was looking at her scars on her tummy. When she mentioned the lumpiness in her left breast now clearly lasting for few months, he suggested a mammography. The next-doorneighbor had ignored her symptoms only to be diagnosed cancer of the breastand within a month landed up with one less breast and looked miserable on her chemotherapy regimen.
She was terrified just hearing about it and sensed the lumpiness return and even painful. She did not mind exposing herself to those harmful beams and getting scanned multiple times as long as they gave her a clear chit. She did not want to be called careless and ignorant. She took regular health checkups to pick up aberration early so that she could act fast. Her tests picked up low Hemoglobin and apart from few pus cells in the urine nothing else showed up. Perhaps the toilet she used in the office. She was pretty careful of her hygiene still sometimes there were pressing needs.She had spent a reasonable amount to be sure but nothing was showing up. All tests were seemingly normal or borderline and her medical records had only grown in numbers and heavier files. The busy Doctor always frowned upon them and cut her in betweenwhile she tried to elaborately explain about her ailments and they smiled and handed her another prescription. All the newer remedies found place in the box too, just that she was developing an aversion to them slowly. Recently she had switched to a bigger attractive size since she carried it everywhere. The box also reminded her how many things were wrong with her and all she wanted was to feel better.
Recently a prescription read lifestyle modifications and she mistook it for a medicine out of habit. Why were their so many malfunctions in her seemingly normal body she wondered? She looked at her blotchy skin, thinning hair, faint cellulite deposits, sagging breasts, pendulous tummy, heavy hips and thunder thighs. She disliked her physical appearance.Inside her body she carried burdens, worries, responsibilities, anxiety, palpitations, fears, sadness, disappointments,disgust, unhappiness and so many more. She could not feel better with breathing techniques as they were too slow and boringin her fast placed life. Yoga practice required more discipline in an unprepared, stiffbody and meditation rarely happened with an overthinking mind. The visit to a psychologist last week was profiling her into a personality disorder which she still had not been labelled and she had begun to feel scared. She was losing her mind too. Maybeif they could suggest a pill that could be added to her box. There was place for more.
She was going to look for a better specialist elsewhere and may be a better lab. She just wanted her body back which could sense peace, relief and not needing so many pills to just pass a day. Her body had deceived her at many fronts just like she had.
She had placed the exact opposite ingredients stored inside her as thoughts and emotions the way she wanted to feel outside.
Unless the burden was released how would the back ache go?
Unless she allowed herself to feel light in emotions how would the weight go?
Unless the worry went how would the headache go?
Unless the impatience went how would the urge go?
Unless the sadness and disappointments evaporated where would the heart go?
Unless she kept digesting the rotten where would the tummy go?
Unless the phobias got knocked off where would the anxiety go?
Unless she rested enough where would the pain go?
Unless the fear of death remained which direction, would life go?
The body is a fantastic vessel incapable of feeling anything by itself, intelligent and beautifully equipped it responds to what we fill in it in terms of thoughts and emotions. The physical is merely a manifestation of what goes inside.
