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The iconic movement of a medico’s life the day when he is delivered the Hippocratic oath ,handed his degree and becomes “The Doctor”. The pride of his achievement evident in his eyes as he takes his first step in the journey of a noble career . He dreams of serving the humanity wholeheartedly with the purest intentions and along with him many dreams get realized simultaneously , those of his parents , family , neighborhood , society and a country . It is indeed a proud moment taking that oath and adjusting the angles of those hats for those memorable clicks.
Capable, wise, hardworking , enthusiastic ,energetic human beings with hearts of gold. No medical graduate is tainted till here. We scatter from here after graduation ceremonies to make onward journeys in life.
In pursuit of more knowledge and skills we churn out more vigor and vitality turning ourselves into specialists, super-specialists, researchers, noble laureates and what not ! Endless race and somewhere we begin to hang our boots and get into the process of living our dreams in villages, towns, cities, countries and continents adapting to systems best suited for us . The baby steps change into confident strides as some dreams materialize, some within reach and all the hard work and dedication seems to be worth it . The world begins to notice and like every other social human being we manage to get married around internships, throw low key receptions, rationed honeymoons, juggle planned- unplanned pregnancies and are truly inducted in our family lives. Creatures of habit that we are , we crave to return from our own maternity leave sooner than later lest we may miss the bus . Our toddlers receive limited attention while our parents volunteer to be nannies to support two generations while we toil in the hospitals. We start getting pulled in different directions and strive to maintain our work –life-balance. Work holism is the nectar that sustains us albeit in different doses. In short we are trained human terminators fighting disease and distress of the outside world. Just like them we are quiet proficient in hiding our own sensitivity and mental conflicts. Our hearts are well guarded , though they beat like everybody else’s , silently recording our own flawed rhythm on our emotional strip. Thanks to our grateful patients the revered Doc gets equated with God in many tough situations and his own internal voice keeps commanding to deliver diligently , tirelessly , empathetically ,patiently in the most pleasant manner and we are expected to be infallible ,endless boxes of virtue by society standards which we falsely believe to be ours too.
But how virtuous can a human being be ?
Today for a moment , I am choosing to remove that label to understand the odd reactions of my own fraternity whose rumbled outcries are beginning to get noisy. What is wrong with all of us ? To quote the common ones since I have felt them and come to believe that….
A Doctor is a fearful creature inside as he appears to be courageous on the outside.
He is as clueless inside as he appears knowledgeable on the contrary especially at those first appointments where Google friendly people seek precise answers for aggressive cancers and advanced diseases.
He is as clueless inside as he appears knowledgeable on the contrary especially at those first appointments where Google friendly people seek precise answers for aggressive cancers and advanced diseases.
He is as agitated inside while he appears to be calm on the exterior when accused of a misconduct/unprofessionalism .His sympathetic system responds exactly the same way to fight or flight threat , just that he has learnt better control .
He is as disorganized in his personal life with pending long “things to do “ list irrespective of the organized exterior of his posh clinic .
He is as hungry as anyone as he gobbles food at quick lunch breaks.
He is as needy inside as he appears greedy outside.
He needs an equal amount of grace, confidence and courage to succeed in his treatment or surgeries as the family of the sick who pray fervently outside.
His fingers are equally sensitive to the cold metallic bullet that rips apart the tissues he is meant to repair . The same people who could do nothing to prevent it are the ones who threaten to kill him should anything happen to their dear ones.
He is as heartbroken inside as he appears cold on the exterior when declaring , “We are sorry , we tried our best ! “ He also struggles to make the most painful disclosures in the least painful manner. The shrill cry of moaning people have the same effect on him while he sees the bodies silently wrapped and packed for mortuary .
He is as limited in his humanness to salvage each and every one because he knows inside he is only a mere tool in the hands of a superpower .
The numerous situations and experiences the medical fraternity faces in their lifetimes is buried as the good, bad and ugly memories in an intelligent brain. Our individual journeys shape us into who we become eventually and perhaps that’s what is the perception of the world labelling us as good or bad, experienced or new, nice and rude, negligent and careful , ethical and money-minded, professional and unprofessional and so on .We have always been battling this for long and are quiet conservative in discussing our own humanness and fallibility. We are sworn to ethical conduct and professional secrecy by the Hippocratic oath. We perhaps do not understand it but we live it and become it with all our human limitations.
Ours is a misunderstood world with complete misalignment on what it shows outside and what it feels inside. And that’s the only hypocrisy we possess. A world that battles its own consciousness conflict at many levels about right and wrong. We have accepted it as the norm and prefer complying than complain. When the chaos spills over we become mute spectators allowing our premises to get vandalized and skulls being broken. And when the Thalis are beaten and flowery aerial tributes rain we receive them silently too knowing fully well it is just another wave of human emotions.
The WHO has recently declared a Corona pandemic situation and caught our distressed world of Saviors unaware and unprepared with no vaccine or cure .Thankfully we may have some time till the world gets habituated to drink hot decoctions of ginger tea , lime, basil and turmeric to keep the virus at bay the good old Ayurvedic way . The Yoga instructors are noticeably on line training the aware body conscious population to maintain fitness and flexibility. Hopefully the huffing and puffing world will also be less demanding now that it has got a breather and is beginning to meditate together for peace that it had lost . Time out for all.
Sadly enough the “essential health services “ had to continue to run in their own fractured ,unprepared way . A diverse poorly equipped health system serving an over populated India through the private and public sector needing emergency integration. Each with its own distinct style of functioning and malfunctioning with gaps widely known but never really bridged. With an increasing number of affected patients, different scenarios at work places are being presented with different challenges . The helplessness and lack of control is beginning to show. The fear of a lethal unbiased virus concentrated in our work confines , conflicting medical information , frequently changing government guidelines are confusing the hospitals , institutions, clinics, nursing homes ,PHCs alike all across the country is beginning to get irritating.
But what about our choices ? What about our human rights ? What about our grievances? What about our relief packages? What about our lives ? What about it all ???
Bound by their own work ethics I am sensing and seeing a struggling community with a spirit of heroism in limited armor serving everyone irrespective of the color coded zones they come from .They are trying to get a grip on the situation hiding their concerns, discomfort , jitteriness and fears. They are at best harassed practicing hand hygiene , respiratory etiquettes , disinfection, figuring out the precise concentration of bleaching solution and adjusting their face shields every now and then .They are utterly confused at the methodology pasted in government orders in entertaining /refusing a genuine emergency because they have not learnt it that way. They are not responsible for the scarcity of “bed” situations which had always existed had we not learnt to bypass it. They did not expect the entire country to be affected simultaneously. They are not the ones deciding policies and strategies at a higher level. Behind the N95 mask that cuts deep into the skin they all are trying to gather Herculean strength to beat their own inner demons. Ironically enough this is also the time when facial recognition is being implemented to check the absconders, no resignation / no leave policy being enforced, pay cuts and Doctors being threatened with legal action leading to cancellation of license to practice. Disaster management or disastrous management is anybody’s guess.
What a fantastic souvenir to a beautiful journey that began with the Hippocratic oath !
The medical community is beginning to resemble the ill-fated band of Titanic which played till the very end and hoping all would get into a life boat. Some of us are/will be facing immense challenges trying to remain afloat , some are dead and denied rightful burials and some have been charged with negligence for not taking the necessary precautions leading to infection and causing grave mental harassment to the patient .
Sadly we are trying to suppress the grumbling and lie low but our humanness is beginning to show at every punch and a new demand to serve in strange ways. Hopefully our feelings will get numbed soon regarding safety concerns of our children and elderly members of our households . We should be able to get comfortable asking our colleagues about the well- being of our younger generation who have already chosen medicine as their career options. We were invited for their graduation ceremonies in recent past . They are the Abhimanyu’s on Covid ward duties along with some younger friends and paramedical staff whom we have known for many years now and would hate to lose. Three months into a health crisis they have adapted really fast learning to communicate in a sign language , sweating in their safety gear , wanting to breathe free and fresh air with amazing mastery over their bladders and bowels . I know somewhere the callousness and the grim scenes they will witness may reverberate long in their souls and the experience of writing death certificates is going to last a while. Whether anyone of us will choose to talk about it is another question. I do pray that we would have figured out our own new normal by the time we become experts at tele-counselling and practice safe distancing with our patients . I also sincerely hope that the subtle symptoms of PTSD (post -traumatic stress disorder ) which may be masked now are heard by a sensitive world just talking and reaching out to all struggling and battling mental issues .For now I am in the denial mode !
