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Are you coming along or do I go on my own , I asked my hubby dear? He gave me a customary quizzical look knowing I had some well laid out plot in my mind waiting to be revealed. He knows me well that way. Where do you want to go darling ?
Haridwar , I replied.
Why ? In these times ? Have you lost it ? I think this Corona thing is driving you nuts . Have you heard about interstate restrictions ? Do you even understand “no crowded places “. He was not going to take a break .
I just smiled back as I waved the e-journey pass which I had already arranged and said Sweetheart , all you have to do is apply for leave ? He looked at me puzzled, confused and irritated . One of us was going to convince the other one to rest his/her case . And I never lose when it comes to manipulation. So I threw another one in his direction citing my late brother’s b’day falling in Pitra Paksha and also six months up since the last death in our family and he understood. He was not going to argue about this one . I explained how all my ancestors needed to rest and I needed the blessings and how vital it was for me to have a Ganga snan.
The good thing in marrying a different religious community is that they are ignorant about certain facts and that is a blessing in disguise . I told him about how I needed to wash my “Paapa” and how the burdens of sins were weighing heavily on me. He made a wise crack this time saying the only burden weighing heavily on me was my weight which I have been trying to lose for years with no success in sight . He asked if I would be lighter after the Ganga snan and I smiled and nodded.
How could I ever confess to him what was the burden about ? Even I have not understood it in years . To the best of my knowledge I have not committed grave sins needing forgiveness but yes I have been misaligned many times. I had developed a distorted relationship with something as holy as Ganga and it was time for us both to reconcile. While hubby dear drove in the early hours of the morning the flashback carried me thirty four years before as the scene began to replay in my mind . I closed my eyes listening to Har Har Gange chant and the nine year old girl shivered at dawn in River Ganga. She held chains in one and clutched her dad’s hand tightly with the other. She was going to be swept away by the current any moment and was clearly off balance trying to get a firm grip with foot below and trying to keep her head above the level of the water.
The water was cold at this hour and she was surrounded by the devotees at Mahakumbh for the holy dip. Was it going to be the last day of her life ? The water could submerge her anytime and she felt the panic and the fear deep in her tummy and shouted Papa , don’t leave my hand ! Don’t ! Please !
Ganga at Haridwar when embanked for the purpose of community bathing at “Har ki paudi “ the famous Ghat only obliges to appear calm for the sake of devotees and their faith in her . She flows unchecked right from Gomukh invading into the heart of the mountains like a serpent till she descends into the plains. Unruly , untamed , reckless , she travels along the rapids in the rocky trails giving you the thrill of your life in her gurgling foamy waters . Like a wise women she knows her place as she settles in the plains changing color again yet one must not consider it as her submission . What she loses in the breadth she gains in depth as she flows bounded by various Ghats on both sides and the current remains as strong as ever.
Nothing had changed in three decades between us except my distorted equation with her and my pleading cry reverberating with Dad don’t leave my hand. I sincerely have no recollection when I started disliking visiting her . Must be at many Asthi -Visarjans that I witnessed and the scenes of offering the mortal remains of my family members as a part of their last rights . She swept them all away in her currents always without any differentiation . The river carries the wisdom that all worldly attachments would have to be surrendered to her someday . She accepts them lovingly amongst teary fair wells . She acted deaf to the sound of “ Papa, don’t leave my hand “ and my sobs .She will allow you to weep and cry for as long as you want in silence yet she knows the tears for she has shed them too. Ganga herself had offered her first seven children born out of her wedlock with King Shantanu who happened to be the seven Vasus cursed by Brahma. She knows one needs to go through certain agony before he/she is ready to release it all.
She bore witness to mine too while I sat cross-legged on the hot sand by her banks for a ritual after my father’s Akaal Mrityu. With a number of Pind in front of me I was asked to anoint ,offer, mutter, chant and repeat something one after the other. While the pain ripped my backbone and legs in that posture held for four hours at a stretch I was determined to rest my dad in peace , one thing that had eluded him .Who else but his daughter to rest him in peace? And the manner of his death demanded higher repentance and rituals from us for his soul to attain Moksha . So with hot tears in my eyes, lumpy throat and the heaviest burden I participated in all the processes that would ensure his salvation no matter how long I had to endure it .
The water was murky and did not seem palatable to me yet I sipped it when made to and it tasted bitter. So be it , that bitterness was momentary compared to what I was going to take back from her banks. I never went to see her again and I was angry and never going to believe that she was Paap Harini (the one that takes away sins ) .I had done nothing to deserve it , not in this lifetime at least.
She continued to flow unashamedly while I lamented for another eight years till a chance writing workshop organized at her banks at Rishikesh brought me face to face with her again . Though my anger had subsided and some gradual acceptance had sunken in , I was not going to rush and embrace her like a child and I was not going to offer her anything least of all my forgiveness.
I did not trust her one bit and nothing had changed. She just flowed and her green calm inviting waters lured me again till I offered one of my co participants help and company as she had a physical issue and wanted to take a bath . I broke my vow and had to enter her. As I tried to plant my feet again in her shallow rocky bed which was slippery and treacherous the moment I waded neck deep she hugged me gently like a true mother meeting her child after the longest interval. She did not question why I felt the way I felt and just offered me her fluid lap. Something shifted inside me that day . As I lay silently her waves lapped around me and I experienced a distinct comfort , the water kept dissolving something subtle and magically changing it to some peace. The burdens got released to be replaced with buoyancy without my knowledge as my body bobbed up and down inside the vast water body . My body just floated . The sand underneath my feet allowed me to sink and she encouraged me to wade deeper till I felt safe. I knew my boundaries with her and she knew hers. A safe distance and she wasn’t to drown me or scare me irrespective of the noisy flow and the whirlpools I saw further ahead. I felt light in years as I emerged and dried myself watching the sunrise behind the hills .Ganga will offer you exactly what you need from her. Thrill, calm, peace, warmth, cold , penance, reverence ,purity whatever you wish for . Her water carries memory and she will relent to what you offer and are ready to let go. A river that descends from the locks of “Gangadhar” ,forgiving , motherly she is the touch of Shiva himself. She aligned in me what was distorted by a painful experience which had been perhaps planted by intent and she healed me again by her just seeing her green waters shimmer , touching her , smelling her , tasting her ,hearing her.
** Water is one of the Panchbhoota (five )elements in the body that needs balance. One of the most vital life force element in our lives it constitutes about 60 percent of our body mass. This subtle life force courses freely through our body as body fluids and ,organs differing in constitution and distributed along brain , heart , kidney, lungs, skin and bones . Its very nature is to bind ,adhere and push forward . The structure of the molecule of water will align to the energy force being used to drive it be it constructive, revitalizing ,nourishing or destructive. The cohesive molecules follow the command they are given and will create various ailments in the body if unbalanced . Corresponding to the Swadishthana chakra , one of the subtle energy system in the body , the center corresponds to our fluidity and flow with life .It governs the emotional state of our bodies which manifest as our empathy and also represents the feminine force which is adjusting and accommodating.
The element of water teaches us never to give up on facing obstacles rather to move over, under or around and make our own way . In other words it is freedom from stagnancy and letting go .Water by its own nature is non judge mental and follows the principle of ebb and flow. In our lives one can practice being more open and conscious to change ,expressing emotions in a healthy way and being flexible in relationships .The water element also allows us to reflect and spending time near a water body is extremely beneficial to restore balance .
