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We always talk about journeys between point A to point B. It is only now I realize that there is a point C too. From point A , point C is invisible but from C , point A is clear and holds the blueprint of your journey and that is where one starts connecting the dots together . Grief is like that. It makes many rounds around you till it comes to a bigger circle. Initially, you are in the center of it , stuffed and stifled with absolutely no breathing space, all consumed and destroyed inside. And then as you make a place for yourself trying to shake it , loosen up gradually and painfully , you start pushing it out. One has to set boundaries with it too till one learns to keep it at a safe distance. Life is like a platter of cheese ball and munchies , everyone needing a little frying to taste better and crunchy with a dash of salt and chilly !
Dad, the name that just spells joy and a smile for me. Another lockdown celebration …so what ?And as I flipped through some albums I realized , it is been quite a while since he is gone.In between, the ones that he held in his arms and put to sleep every night stroking their backs, have grown up, missing him bigtime and are learning to make the signs of victory and hope in life. The little grandson has outgrown his baby cot that he once decorated with all the bells and lights. Today when he saw me pining for you he cast a spell on your picture and commanded your spirit to be present and stay in the angel next to the cake for as long as his mama wanted her dad to stay.
That, those he taught to drive and guided on the confusing roads did get lost completely ,yet found their way back home because he said to trust our own sense of direction leading us rather than a Google maps. We stayed on the path even when there seemed no road ahead. That, the dear Begum offered you flowers on your birthday and sang “ Phool tumhe bheja hain khat mein “ solo, till her heart’s content because your love makes her still go crazy. She has forgiven you for deserting her and is learning to fill in her loneliness with a renewed zest in her life .
That , I have learnt that life is about celebrations even in those moments which are heavy and tearful. I now choose the moods of these moments consciously with a new acceptance . And though I do understand that the dead do not celebrate birthdays yet an aching thought always crosses my mind, ” How it would have been if you became all of seventy two and grander with all of us around ?” I still want to be spoilt rotten !
May you receive all the love from this earth plane in whichever Realm you are in today and we free you from our attachments which held us in a vice like grip of grief. And I realize at this point that Death is nothing but an illusion, a mere shedding off a physical identity because you stay in us like an inspiration, a thought , a whisper, a song , a mood and still bring us endless source of joy . I make these journeys with you now in my dreams and get up with the most content smile on my face and that extra light feeling in the heart that says “ I am right here in your heart” now and forever.
