Menu
I always hated self- service counters to have a quick bite. It was okay in college days but now? Who wants to stand in queues, waiting in turn to place the order, looking up at menu board and deciding what to eat with one hand in the pocket to check for wallet in place. And on top of it you have to eye for a table for two as well. And you wait again till your token no is displayed , pick up your tray ,return to eat and even leave the treys in the designated place. Should you still feel hungry you even avoid reordering just to save yourself the hassle of all of it again. You go back a wee bit unsatisfied but full for the time being and you know it will keep you going. No tips here.
A posh ,popular restaurant with great ambiance ,dim lights , well dressed waiters with smiling managers is more preferable. A heavy well-crafted menu card with multi-cuisine options and fancy dishes is so much better. And in case you can’t decide one can always order what looks nice on the adjacent table. Easy. One can have sumptuous meal ,reorder and if you are the “I do not like to waste food types” you can request it to be packed to take it home .
All are happy that way. Some places even have a bell to ring to declare your happiness when you leave. Service charges inclusive, pay by card and drive back home , slightly overfed in the tummy and may even plan to diet for next whole week and exercise more regularly. We know our indulgences. We know our guilt too.
Recently I have made a switch back to self-service after doing some workshops, learning healing modalities, awareness exercises and what not. It has been about two years where I don’t get a fellowship, skill up gradation but I get one up on the SELF and feel satisfied. No indigestion problems only belching, purging and releases. I feel lighter not in weight but inside.
What Self ?
The SELF that governs us all our life but we don’t self-start. We like push buttons after calamities, losses, disease and deaths till we can’t even move. I too didn’t like it really. I neither knew the counters nor the menu served till I heard the bell in my life.
Frankly I didn’t even know what color reverberated inside . I always thought it was blue. Sometimes white but mostly my color choices switched between those two. I didn’t want a red car because it seemed flashy though I always admired the Red Vento my next door neighbor got as a birthday day present from her husband. I envied her in the nicest way. I settled for steel grey and whites. They go with my image and even the green red cross marks look elegant . Earlier that was red. A red on red would have been excessive and so I thought. Red lipstick ? Who wears that ? Only Hindi movie vamp/ seductress image comes to my foolish mind. Red dress? Mad or what I told myself ! A red saree maximum for a wedding that too my own .
My wardrobe is mostly subtle blues, browns ,whites and blacks . The only red I can relate to is the color of blood that is there in my life always. I see it in people’s tummies, wounds, on hospital floors and sometimes in their horrid life experiences shed as tears which appear red to me (Khoon ke aansoon). I know those tears. They come from deep losses. Red does not scare me the way it scares others in that sense . I know Red its smell ,feel , and the way it pulsates in my fingertips. It is warm.
I admired the big red bindi on women’s foreheads .They just look different .They look empowered yet in control but I have not been able to display it like that. I love the Kali with the red tongue and the vermillion smeared on foreheads on Durga Pooja in West Bengal. The way it is Red , raw, very real and fiery. It is the color of the Shakti. Energy ,vibrant, pulsating, warm, and flowing. But one has to tap into it . Surrender to the red inside that pulsates with every beat of the heart equally in men and women alike. Divinity it is not gender based. We need both the energies and we need to establish that connect. We need to allow that wisdom into guiding us to its source. Hop on to that journey of Self-service where one realizes that he/she did not self-serve rather selflessly served others and the ways of the world. The way they have been delivered to us.
What is the way of the world ?
I don’t know for I am still learning , some are mean and illusionary and keep presenting till one is ready to break the shackles and choose to emerge free. So let me take my own example since I know only my story.
I have been bought up into believing I wasn’t as bright as the topper. He/She was more intelligent, hardworking and smart . I learnt comparisons by default , believed in my dimness and pushed myself harder thus becoming a very hard working Doctor . It further drove me to work holism and strive for perfection in my work and attitude all my life. I found it difficult to accept imperfect people and their ways. It gets me irritable.
My stress levels, my tireless working has gifted me a painful body weaker in many aspects but with a great energetic mind which overthinks till it gets logically exhausted and I did not learn stillness and accepting things as they are sometimes. I have a sporty attitude but it does not show anywhere on my body as the energetic fitter me like I had ideally learnt interpreting it as BMI and ideal body weight. Irony is that I have to write lifestyle modifications as a part of my advice on prescription pads. Being overweight is an equal big issue in my life as well . I preach what I myself do not practice and to live a lie is exhausting.
I thought hard work led to success but success is so relative. Success or money does not equate to happiness in life or satisfaction levels. Habituated to OT scrubs I have forgotten the texture of silks and satin. I have neither ventured out in stilettos ,nor made fashion statement so I don’t know the feeling of how it is to walk proud like a peacock on the days when I am supposed to. I have not learnt to handle my success and lie low even when the limelight is ready to shine .I accept compliments with a little reluctance because I suffer from low self-esteem and absolutely believe in age old “Simple living high thinking” philosophy. It is distasteful not owning up myself . I have mingled around in great social circles feeling like this inside. I overdress mostly and feel conscious even on a beach . The dresses are chosen to hide my own body shame and I have always worn what was appropriate for my age, village and lineage. At the workshop yesterday I felt conscious showing my tattoo to a whole bunch of women because I have pumped a little more in the gym to acquire strong biceps and shoulders. I believed I have to be like a man to do long grueling surgeries when my surgical skills ,decisions, instincts are already blessed by the divine power.
Teased as a small town kid with brains I have never had the audacity to say to an opposite gender person I like you for this reason . My class seven classmates fed me inferiority complex by labeling me uncouth. I have not been able to acquire finesse till now. I did not feel attractive and I just didn’t belong there and I told myself I wasn’t good enough. Even if I liked someone I could never say or show .The only things I displayed to the world was my intelligence and proving my mettle every time. The first guy whom I liked became my boyfriend forever and landed up as my husband forever . Forever what an illusion ? Today I am learning otherwise not to feed myself this stale belief because we feel what we feel . It isn’t about dissatisfaction or frustration but I am still learning to navigate in my closest relationships and I falter at so many levels. Perfection gives me goose bumps now.
I have ended up in a respectable career the book worm way but I struggle to connect and pursue my hobbies of music, dance, art, bringing me real joy. Whenever I felt disturbed I did secret journaling and thus evolved as a writer. I am learning now how to polish my skill now slowly but under confident. My skill of verbal communication was poor, untimely and aggressive. I was sold into debates, elocutions and in later years delivering lectures to medical fraternity as a good teacher but felt something amiss. I could not connect to the content that was convincing and felt passionate to deliver to keep me talking. No big deal about delivering knowledge.
My worthiness as a woman lies in me being an excellent organized housekeeper , making great hot meals , taking care of my children SELFLESSLY and putting myself in the self-sacrificial altar should at least now get me a trophy and validation I feel at some point in my life or I will end up nasty and clingy. I am constantly tested in many roles of daughter, sister, wife , mother , professional and have won myself many labels which I myself hate.
The professional patriarchal mindset exists in quite a few mentors who disowned me at training and managed to shake my confidence many times. Self-doubt kept accompanying though I didn’t really make any grave mistakes. Recently a senior colleague even commented that women have an obvious advantage at viva thanks to their cleavage and I felt like telling him even brain has a cleavage. Why didn’t he show his? He would have passed too. Derogatory to say the least. I am glad because I can wear a saree and look pretty and I do get regular invites in the lamp lighting ceremony on stage . My senseless, endless working has gifted me bizarre sleep patterns that I have to now discover some alternative energetic way of living to stay focused . Today I call it Yoga nidra. Better than tossing and turning in bed with a book or just in the darkness.
My patient’s constant problems in my healing world give me little time to disengage so I believed I was a bee. Busy as a bee. In my early forties I am still dancing to the tunes of the world , to expectations I get tired fulfilling , to my own negative emotions and patterns which I have tough time shedding . My cocoon felt safe projected outside as the wise, educated, intelligent , strong, dependable , confident ,composed and settled. Inside it was complete opposite laden with loneliness, fear, lack ,worry ,anxiety , seeking social validation , approval , anger, jealousy , co-dependency ,dissatisfaction….far too many to quote .
We always manifest our world outside as we feel inside. Everything and everyone is a mirror but we don’t want to look at it. It scares us. We refuse, dodge , resist , give excuses and feed ourselves more lies. I cannot undo the past and run away. I did what I did and I am quiet done with my own bullshit now and I am learning new ways of existing in the same old world . It still shakes and wobbles in day to day life but it is definitely better.
Now I create my “time” for my indulgences. I am not a busy bee anymore. I say no to work ,limited my timings and assignments and learning to be free for MYSELF.
I am feeding MYSELF guilt free diet. I gorge on healthy emotions now my new life style modification.I am learning to create healthy boundaries with people and learning to be a fish. SELFISH.
I am giving up on judgement for they are time consuming and total waste of energy and they get in the way of accepting and connecting to people more freely.
I ask for help when I need too. I don’t want to manage all my burdens alone and I am learning to shed my shame. I am learning to declare when I am tired, sleepy, hungry and even angry .
I am dialing my SELF number to check on me every few hours. Sometimes I speed dial thanks to all the SELF LOVE work I have been taught.
I am choosing my company wisely which is nurturing and supportive. I am learning to let go of control over people and situations and experience true freedom from patterns.
And there are endless items on this menu at these SELF SERVICE counters. All you have to do is look UP. Nobody will call. Menu is on display . You choose to go. No quick serves “2 minutes” business. The appetite needs to be build up and hunger has to be felt. Anyway you won’t be able to digest it all in one go. Taste, chew , relish what you would like to have from the universal buffet and there is plenty. Come again if you like the experience ,try the other cuisine and don’t forget to ring the bell on the way out. Feel welcomed ,get garlanded ,applauded , honored for your experiences, wisdom that you bring forth for we take pride in “SELF SERVING YOU” better. And wear your color and attitude . Mine was RED all along.
