RAKSHALESS

No plans to go anywhere. No one to come. No preparations for festivities. No ” Meetha mooh” to savor the sweetness of it all on RAKSHABANDHAN on 28.8.26.
It must be the full moon or the lunar eclipse taking its toll for me to flow. The rituals have gone missing over twenty three years.
He died at 24 . I lived after him for 23.
And yet in his own way he lives with me after 23 years of having lamented ” gone too soon”, too early and I am left processing and finding meaning of time we don’t have together or will never have.
THIS is perhaps the vantage point year.
Next year hopefully it will be an equalizer where numerologicaly speaking it will be 24/24.
Someone lived someone died and vice versa for the exact amount of time.
I would perhaps be more GRIEF MATURE which in other words means that the grief has ripened enough on many aspects so as to remain an unsolved mystery. Been there, done that type.
To look beyond, to let it stop mattering or matter if it still has to. Honoring both sides of my own story.
As I noted the deserted look of the Alpha 1 commercial belt today which on regular days is hopelessly crowded I realized it reflected my mood somehow. It held meaning. There was enough space and a place to park my grief along with my car. Normally I struggle to fit in. Not many were working as shops were shut for regular business.
The educator and healer in me sighed as if to remind myself that it is all okay.

It is what it is etc etc the reminders that feel very logical and befitting in my current narration yet just ten minutes ago I found myself unable to control my tears as I tried to sing my favorite song. I can lie to the world but not to my grief. It knows that the best place to catch me is in my throat because it knows exactly at what line of the lyric I am gonna choke. And I did it again!!
No point fooling myself that it has healed or it will ever desert me. The love that has matured in absence. It is what it is, while I have to still go about my day feeling a little lost and shrunken somehow. Just that I don’t need reminders or consolation. I don’t need people’s pity or feeling sorry for me at all. So not looking for comments or hugs either. Plain and simple expression.

Well, truly speaking it has been one hell of a ride
across years of understanding and accepting sibling loss and making sense out of it. The questions have gone and answers have arrived.
A lot has gone too while few bits remain and I try and not disturb the remaining for it will teach me something else. I completely understand and accept in all honesty how difficult it has been to let it ALL go amidst an environment in Hindu households, customs and traditions where one wants a constancy of celebration.
Even if someone dies close to a festival our traditions are such that those left behind don’t mourn alone on festivals. No one takes pride in grieving or celebrating how far one has travelled. The atmosphere and hype created trying to suck you in the familiar, in the time tested comforting norms.
The advice of moving on and questioning it if you haven’t. No one enquires if you even want to move on?
Celebrate ?
The customary advice is to celebrate if you can even if it feels hollow or dead inside welcoming superfluous newer bonds and searching for the depth that is an unsaid natural part of a blood relationship. The beauty of having grown together, born to the same parents and sharing the family line and ancestry.
We aren’t taught to deal with the resentment that we feel for those who are blessed still, we are supposed to swallow it and put on an expression less mask year after year. It is expected of us not to ruin our occasions.
At least I am glad for myself that the mask has fallen because it is too heavy to carry for so long. It is far more easier to acknowledge the dull ache and drop the guilt for failing to feel cheerful.
To have reached a place of quiet understanding that the distractions that feel comfortable somehow are created to maintain a safe distance from our dormant pain and reality. Practices like going to a cousin’s place to tie a Rakhi or send one. To deeply value fellows that fill the ” brotherly ” void creating the familiar emotions in the story timeline. To feed yourself the breadcrumbs.

Anything that makes you feel less lonely but what if you have accepted the loneliness silently?
What if you have understood that you can choose not to stick to the Bhaiya’s that radiate love, affection, protection and safety. Not to burden anyone anymore. Setting them all free. It doesn’t mean love has dwindled, it just means that I value how precious you are but not bind it in a bond or give it a name for namesake. Loving from distance.

Maybe this year is not even about tying a dhaga to a deity knowing fully well that you are under some kind of protection always.

Maybe this year is not about judging anything or anyone.

Maybe this year is about not getting touchy at all over those that know not what to say and forgive or ignore them. Just accept that many still have to learn grief sensitivity. It is a knowing, not mere knowledge. It is a place where one reaches.

Maybe this year is about applauding yourself for
having pushed back the insistent for you very well knew the consistency will soon go missing.
To finally rest in your parking spot.
To just let it all be.
To know that you don’t have to play the societal or familial game. One can set their own rules to grieve or just stay peaceful. No explanation needed.
Wanting nothing.
Hating nothing.
Accepting it all, as is.
Choosing yourself instead of the bond.
To remain unbonded from the facade and choose freedom.

#rakshabandhanspecial #RitualsAndTraditions #societalchallenges #socialpressure #societalnorms #grievingfamilies #siblinglove #siblings #siblingloss #healingjourney #griefjourney #EmotionalJourney #SettingYourselfFree #EmotionalFreedom #guiltfree #ChoosingMyself #choosingpeace #drgchauhan #griefeducator #griefcoach #reclaiminglifeafterloss

Date : 08/09/2026

RAKSHALESS

Sign up for latest blogs